13 March 2013
So… I’m officially popified.
What a day! There I was just chilling in the Sistine Chapel, looking at all the naked people on the roof and thinking about lunch, when the other cardinals were all “You’re Pope” and I was like “huh?” and they were like “seriously, you’re Pope” and I was like “ok, sweet”.
Now not to start off on a negative foot, but WHEN DO I GET MY AWESOME HAT? I was pretty sure that when you’re Pope, you got a really big awesome hat. That’s why I signed up (well, that and the billowing robes that are totally forgiving of my fummy). But apparently not. I got this weird plate thing. Totes boring. Unless I want to play frisbee in the courtyard with Cardinal Bob, in which case: win.
So obviously, the first thing I did when I got up to my new private apartment was POPE-FIVE myself. A few times. I was all “Pope-Five! Pope-Five! Pope-Five!…”. And then Cardinal Bob walked in without knocking – idiot! – so I pretended I was “blessing the air” to cover it up. Dude totally bought it. I reiterate: idiot.
I’m sitting here in my kiff new Popejamas, but before I head to my new 4m x 4m gold bed, I decided to make a list of all the things I need to do now that I’m Pope:
1. Decide on a nickname
Pope is too boring. Your Holiness is too formal. I’m thinking something from my childhood, like “Pope-Eye the Sailor Man“, “My Little Popey” or “Teenage Mutant Ninja Pope“. Maybe I need to go with something more forceful though, like just “Mister Pope” or “Popeman“. Oooh… I could get a cape! Otherwise, I could go for something with a bit more swag, like “P to the Ope” or “P-Fizzle“?
2. Sort out this hat situation
See above. Seriously. WTF? Also: Crown. That is all.
3. Get me an invisibility cloak
Like Harry Potter, so I can run around St Peter’s Basilica and scare people.
4. Go on a mini-break
I’m exhausted after all this conclaving. I’m thinking something exotic, like maybe Jamaica. I wanna try out my new Popekini.
5. Work on a catch phrase
I need something catchy to print on the key rings and coasters they sell at the Vatican gift shop. I’ve come up with three options that I’m playing around with: (i) May the Pope Be With You; (ii) Rolling with the Popey or (iii) I Got 99 Problems but a Pope Ain’t One.
I don’t know. I’ll start dropping them into conversation in the next couple of days and see which one sticks.
Sigh. So much to do! It’s going to be a busy week.